The Outsider by Jane Casey

Author:Jane Casey [Casey, Jane]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
Published: 2023-11-09T17:00:00+00:00

19

I was tired, but sleep was hard to come by. I lay in the darkness and worried. I had plenty on my mind, not least that I wasn’t where I wanted to be: in bed with Maeve. The sex had been wholly satisfying for both of us, I was sure of it – there had been nothing fake about her focus, or the catch in her breath when I touched her, or the way she had moved against me. But afterwards I’d looked into her eyes and seen nothing but doubt, and emptiness, and distance, as if she was a long way away instead of lying underneath me.

‘What’s the matter?’

‘Nothing.’ She wriggled, pushing me away. I sat up.

‘Sorry – did I do something wrong?’

She edged away until there was a foot of empty mattress between us, and no possibility of even accidental contact. She drew her knees up to her chin and wrapped her arms around them. The body language couldn’t have been clearer, despite the smile she threw in my direction. ‘It’s fine. It’s not you. Just – I don’t want to sleep in the same bed.’

‘Maeve …’ A thud of dismay; if she regretted what we had just done, I would never trust my instincts about women again. I pushed my ego to one side and thought about what she’d told me earlier. ‘What was that – a test?’

‘What do you mean? I said it wasn’t about you.’

‘Not of me,’ I said gently.

‘Oh—’ she put her head down on her knees. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘Maeve, talk to me. You wished you had told me about what was bothering you before. Maybe I can help this time.’ I pulled the sheet over me and sat back against the pillows, and after a moment she sighed.

‘Maybe it wasn’t fair to you but I wanted to see what it would be like with someone I trusted.’ When she lifted her head, her face was grave, and utterly lovely. ‘I haven’t tried since … my last relationship.’

I had the strong impression she had been about to say something else. Since what? She raised a hand to her collarbone, and then snatched it away.

‘What happened, Maeve? What did he do to you?’ I reached out and pushed her hair back. ‘You have a scar on your forehead.’ I’d seen it when she lay down, not before, and it struck me that the way she wore her hair now was designed to hide it. ‘Was that from him?’

‘He’s gone to prison for it.’

‘For how long?’

‘He’ll be out in two years.’

I did some sums and considered usual sentencing guidelines. ‘GBH?’

‘With intent.’

I sat up. ‘Fuck. Maeve, what did he do?’

‘Nothing that didn’t heal. And I’ll be all right. The scar will fade.’

‘Yes, but—’

‘But what?’

You can’t pretend that everything is back to normal, I wanted to say, and didn’t. Instead I reached out and took her hand. ‘If this helped, it was worth it, and if it didn’t, I’m sorry.’

She looked pensive. ‘Because it was you, I felt safe. I could pretend it was the old me, from before.

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